It feels like ages now that I am typing a post on you. Dunno why today of all days I chose you write this. It was a restless night the last one – you constantly peeking into my thoughts and asking me yet another set of questions, which made me curse Y and made M roll her eyes.
I am sure you remember me – yes I am confident on that, for I think nobody else has been so strict on you. Do you still visit A didi my baby? I think not, but I don’t blame A too, for I know how you have a way to get out of the things you don’t like.
Why this after so many months? Have I not missed you at all in these past 9 months?
Though it might seem that I haven’t, the truth lies deeper. In fact to be blatant I tried to forget you, cut off all ties, for somewhere while leaving I knew that I will not be able to do justice to you, for I wasn’t the formally adopted mother you see.
Then, why does life over and over again and again make you surface before me. Each talk of mentorship makes me go back to my struggle, to see a little girl scribble takes me back to your stubby fingers.
And you know the worst, when Y says he wants both of us to go to Mumbai and meet you, I freeze. Out of fear that he might just discover that I truly haven’t been the mother I promised to be!
The book, I say is my first born, does that mean that you were not my own? I wish I could make you read those pages, which you inspired me to write. The little girl whom I discovered through her drawings or the interpretation of the various ones lying strewn around. Remember that is how we broke the ice, playing the game of what the drawing says?
Today is Saraswati Puja, last year I craved to introduce this day to you, but then GM needed me more and this year you seem too far away to be a part of my stories.
But somewhere in the corner of the hearts, as the chants fill the air and I put my book at her feet, I also put an old school course book beside it, and mentally say your name.
Tammy, I may not have been all that I promised myself and Y to be, but I know that I had tried. Dunno why the questions and your face surfaces today, but the fact that you are always there whenever I discuss my highs and my lows shows how much you have touched my life.
Rants of a helpless confused and caught in between mentor-who-never-was-a-mother this is!
Bhalo Theko aar Sukhe Theko*,
* – Be good and be happy
P.S: Uma need I say more?